So today I went to his grave site & as I stood there thinking how it has already been 3 years since he left this earth I couldn’t help but also think about what has happened in the last past 3 years since he’s been away. I thought about how I haven’t really open up to anyone since him. How no matter how much I’ve said that I’ve moved on it very clear that I haven’t. How no matter how many guys open up their hearts to me I just can’t seem to open up mine. How, many of the people that were there before are no longer there because in one way or another I’ve pushed them all away. How I’m pretty sure I’m beyond fucking repair at this point & no matter who I talk to they will never understand how or what I feel about you & how you shaped my life life in more ways than I would like to admit to myself. How our love is still the only thing that I can think of to bring me out of any depression that I may feel. How lucky I was that I was one of few people who got a glimpse of your kindness, devotion, & how deep & real your love could truly be. How no matter what anyone ever said that we weren’t real it didn’t matter cause like you would always tell me “No matter how many people you tell about our problems or our love, it doesn’t matter what they think cause it the end of the day its always going to be us & only us.” But most of all I thought about how you held me when I was down. How you hurt me when you were mad. How we were like two cosmic universe running into each other just creating a huge black hole of an ‘us’ that never really was. How 5 years came & went between us & all I could show for it was me sitting at your grave site thinking ‘how did we let it get this far?’ How angry I still am. How sad I really am. How the fact that 3 years have passed & all I can still think about is us. About how I still remember the days when we would talk about our wedding plans, or how many kids we were going to plan to have, or what kind of life we wanted to live. About how you still wanted me to do the thing I did for you when we were well into our 50’s. But mostly about how I will never have any of those things with you and how I could never fake the kind of chemistry we had with anyone else. Mostly I just wondered how much time would pass before I stop thinking about the “could’ve” that we could have had. How to start moving forward without comparing it to what was left behind.
As I was sitting at the headstone, looking at the cloud go by wondering all these question & finally asked myself “What is time anyways, if I don’t make the real effort to want to move on?”
You know what? This morning I woke up with this overwhelming feeling that I’m doing something right with my life. That spending time with him this weekend & taking care of my life is what I needed. Rather than taking care of other people who in the end no matter how much work you put into something are just going to turn around and call you selfish or thoughtless and say whatever they want about you behind your back anyways is just pointless. I’m not going to rant because this is not that kind of post. It is a post of finally getting to a point in my life where I’ve realized what I want from life and not looking back at all anymore. I’ve officially cut off every line that was holding me to my past troubles and problems and am moving forward full speed ahead. No more looking over my shoulder to see if “they” approved of what I was doing with my life when in the end the only real opinion that will always matter is my own. Maybe I was selfish in turning down a “friend” this weekend when she needed me but here is the thing with all the things that have happened to me these last past two years I deserve to be a little selfish & thoughtless & I’m in no way going to apologizing for any of it.
In the words of one Ms. Britney Spears “Imma be a little selfish”
So I’m reading this email I got talking about how Simon Spurr left his company (and note, I am all late on this ordeal because of not checking my email this past weekend) & as I’m reading it I just like…
This is not what bugs me I’m just going back in my memory trying to recall what could have caused this. The fact is that this man is an amazing menswear designer and just got nominated for a CFDA so when I read that he is leaving his company I’m like
I don’t know maybe I’m way into my feelings about this because I am a huge fan of his work & his label and its so sad to see it all go down like this.
You guises have to start following my lovely gurl!
She’s new on Tumblr so show her some love and follow her & I’m pretty sure she’ll follow back =)
This has been the hardest year for me. Dreams that I had all disappeared one year today. Now every song, every place, anything that we ever did together automatically plays that memory of us there sharing that time together. I guess that is all I am left with now. I miss you everyday & I don’t think this feeling is ever going to go away but I do hope it gets a little better with each passing year. RIP Eric 07.08.84-03.16.10 </3
On the Verge
Feelings that I can’t help but feel
Death that hunts my every thought
A person who never spoke up
Words that I will never hear
Train wreak I want to stop from happening but can’t
Overly involved emotions that are suppressed
Funk that I am stuck in
Darkness with no light in sight
White light calling my name with a voice that I want to hear again.
No one in sight to stop me from reaching the white light.
Voice of reason and a helping hand
Sunlight instead of darkness
A Reason to smile again