Time in (my messed-up) retrospect…
So today I went to his grave site & as I stood there thinking how it has already been 3 years since he left this earth I couldn’t help but also think about what has happened in the last past 3 years since he’s been away. I thought about how I haven’t really open up to anyone since him. How no matter how much I’ve said that I’ve moved on it very clear that I haven’t. How no matter how many guys open up their hearts to me I just can’t seem to open up mine. How, many of the people that were there before are no longer there because in one way or another I’ve pushed them all away. How I’m pretty sure I’m beyond fucking repair at this point & no matter who I talk to they will never understand how or what I feel about you & how you shaped my life life in more ways than I would like to admit to myself. How our love is still the only thing that I can think of to bring me out of any depression that I may feel. How lucky I was that I was one of few people who got a glimpse of your kindness, devotion, & how deep & real your love could truly be. How no matter what anyone ever said that we weren’t real it didn’t matter cause like you would always tell me “No matter how many people you tell about our problems or our love, it doesn’t matter what they think cause it the end of the day its always going to be us & only us.” But most of all I thought about how you held me when I was down. How you hurt me when you were mad. How we were like two cosmic universe running into each other just creating a huge black hole of an ‘us’ that never really was. How 5 years came & went between us & all I could show for it was me sitting at your grave site thinking ‘how did we let it get this far?’ How angry I still am. How sad I really am. How the fact that 3 years have passed & all I can still think about is us. About how I still remember the days when we would talk about our wedding plans, or how many kids we were going to plan to have, or what kind of life we wanted to live. About how you still wanted me to do the thing I did for you when we were well into our 50’s. But mostly about how I will never have any of those things with you and how I could never fake the kind of chemistry we had with anyone else. Mostly I just wondered how much time would pass before I stop thinking about the “could’ve” that we could have had. How to start moving forward without comparing it to what was left behind.
As I was sitting at the headstone, looking at the cloud go by wondering all these question & finally asked myself “What is time anyways, if I don’t make the real effort to want to move on?”